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I Lead a Double Life

by Emma September 8, 2014 2 comments
kuta, lombok, puppy play, local

Confession time.

I am not who I say I am.

If you’ve been to this website before, you’ll read posts about a certain lifestyle. Meditation. Slowing down. Living simply. Enjoying your surroundings. Getting out of your comfort zone, your head, your country.

lombok, meditation, kuta

However, every year, when I return to the States. I do something that horrifies me.

I turn into the person I left behind before my _____xyz____ adventure. I value monetary gain over my personal wellness. I work myself into an oblivion to the point where my body revolts. I don’t meditate. I don’t practice yoga enough. I purchase things I don’t need. I complain about clients, customers, patrons. I forget that running water is a blessing, that drinking from the tap is a miracle, and that life does not revolve around reality television.

In short- I fall prey to the monster that is capitalism, consumerism and status. I stop listening to myself.

But I “need” to. I spend a lot (sometimes over half) of the year traveling, writing, and exploring. This allows me to create  this website, connections and freelance opportunities. Working my tail off at home funds those plane tickets, pays my bills, and fosters the opportunity to discover it all.

However, when I AM home I start slipping back into the storyline that was mine before I left.

There is something inside of me that smiles every time I take that extra shift, buy that beer, click Add to Cart. It is my ego. It is the seed that is planted by every advertising company, every boss, every higher up that pushes me to do more. It motivates me to stay late, to count that extra dollar and feel satisfaction for earning it.

Out of the 98 mornings I have here on Cape Cod, Massachusetts, I’ve eaten a meal sitting down 9 times. I usually consume breakfast through a straw, out of a mason jar, while driving my car to whatever job. Lunch is shoved in while I complete other tasks. I eat my dinners standing in a bustling kitchen, over a trash can, at 11:30 PM.

I forget to look for the sunset, to feel the breeze, to sit silently.

Provincetown Views

I realize that I preach one thing, do another.

Here is my take on what needs to be done:

Do something every day, every week, every month that helps me live my dream. Instead of stopping and waiting for everything to fall in to place, what if I just started now?

What if you did too?

2 comments

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2 comments

Ross September 8, 2014 at 1:49 pm

First of all, I love this website, and I love what you’re working on.

I love it because you’re looking for what you want, and you’re deeply committed to being yourself.
Admirable all the way around.

This post though, makes me wonder.
Maybe some of that joy you get from working hard is actually an important and valuable part of this whole project.
Maybe the desire to stay late and finish that thing is also important.
I feel that satisfaction you’re talking about, and I don’t think it’s external.
Working like that stretches you, but it also makes you grow, and that’s a really great thing.

Now, obviously you’re writing this for a reason.
9 is a very small number of sit down meals for a summer.
So, take a day off. Find some balance. And definitely do more yoga.

But, I think it’s hard to plan for the future when you’re living in the moment.
And I think it’s good to take pride in your work.
Maybe we need both?

(also: Come visit us in NY!!)

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Emma September 9, 2014 at 12:38 am

Ross,
Thank you much for the response.

I do know that working hard is valuable to me. I enjoy feeling like I’ve earned my way. Being independent is HUGE for me… However, being independently wealthy was crossed off my “what I want to be when I grow up” list a long time ago. So work is always in the cards out of desire And necessity.

I guess my issue was that WHO I want to become and WHO I become when I work the way I am now (3 seasonal jobs, 60+hrs a week, all customer service for tourists) are not the same person. Maybe it’s because I’m impatient and I want all of my internal desires to make me a better person no matter what my circumstance? I don’t know. All I do know is that I want to eat breakfast as solid foods, sitting down. I also want to ease my personality back to normal and not hyper-active. Perhaps I’m just worried that all of the internal work that takes place when I’m away will be undone each time- maybe it’s too early to tell.

So today I wrote this, swam in a pond, read a book and did yoga (aka fell asleep for 45 minutes on my deck face down on the mat).

I appreciate your response.. and shit, well, YOU!

NY will probably be in the cards for me sometime in November.

I hope you’re doing well,
Emma

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